I'm Here

In the two-plus years since Googie's been gone I've dreamt of him a handful of times.  In all but one, he was very sick.

I had a sweet dream over the weekend.  Here's how it went....

I was in a park or zoo (lots of trees and paths) with Clark, Walker and Everly.  At some point, the three of them got ahead and me and rounded a curve.  When I caught up and looked around the corner I saw Walker in Googie's arms.  Five-year old Walker in HEALTHY Googie's arms.  They were smiling and laughing.  Totally carefree and adorable.  I walked up to him and said, "you're here."  He put Walker down, hugged me and said, "I'm here."

That was it.   I don't know if I woke up or I forgot the rest, but how precious.  Yes, it was only a dream, but it felt so real.  I got to see a healthy Googie again, with my tenderhearted son, who reminds me so much of him.  It was a gift.

Sweetest. dream. ever.

U is for Uncle

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but my little boy melts my heart.  He is so tender and sweet.  Sometimes the things that come out of his mouth amaze me.

This just happened an hour ago.  I have to share right now, so I don't forget a detail.

Everly was napping and Walker was telling me about his day at school.  This week they are learning the letter U.  He told me, "U is for uncle."  I told him that was so right and thought that would be the end of that.  

But, then he said, "U... like Uncle Googie.  I miss Uncle Googie." As you can imagine, the waterworks started.  I couldn't help it.  I told Walker that I miss Uncle Googie so much.  Then he wanted to know where he was.

Wow, pretty deep for a Wednesday afternoon.  I told him that we wouldn't see Googie anymore because he's in heaven with Jesus.  He wanted to know why.  I told him I didn't know why, but since he was with Jesus, it didn't matter.  And, even though we miss him, it's good that he's with Jesus.  And, someday we'll all be with Jesus.  I love his little almost five-year old heart.  He seemed to grasp what I was saying and then said, "I'm happy that Remy is with Uncle Googie and Jesus."  Melts. My. Heart.

Walker reminds my family so much of Googie.  The way he looks, the way he acts, the way he runs.  We all talk about it... a lot.  Soccer has especially brought it out.  Every Saturday there's some kind of a "he's just like Googie" remark.  I started to worry... does this bother Clark?  I mean, every father wants their son to be just like them.  Of course I didn't want this to upset him, so I asked him, "does it bother you that we are always comparing Walker to Googie?" Clark gave a typical Clark answer.  Totally selfless, compassionate and sweet.  He said, "it makes me happy that yall have such a great reminder of your brother.  It doesn't bother me at all."  Wow, he really is the best.

And, there's no doubt that Walker has a ton of his Daddy in him.  Both are amazingly sweet and very thoughtful.

Everly and I are so blessed by the men in our lives!!!!!

2nd Annual Snowman Classic

Wow, another year has come and gone.  Time goes by so fast.  On what would have been Googie's 41st birthday, we celebrated.  In a big way.

Blaine has done an amazing job with the Snowman Classic.... year two was just as fabulous as year one.  I'm so impressed.

I love to see all those golfers out there.... honoring Googie and Trisha and supporting their kids.  Powerful.  

Here comes the photo dump!

 

Go RayRay!

Dad and his team.

Clark's excellent drive.  I was told that I was a good luck charm!

Googie's buddy from Baylor wore these shoes.  Googie would have loved them!

Blaine, totally relaxed!  He did an amazing job.

Love these Lukfin boys!  They are such good friends to me and Clark.

Blaine being silly with the girls!

Bunny taking Carson and Ryder for a ride!

It's not just the guys who are great friends.  So glad all the girls could come, too!

The winners!  So glad family members won!  Way to go Mark and John!

Beth Ann is seriously the funniest person I know.  I had a ball with her.

I love this picture... Blaine with the Snow kids.  

Lots and lots of money was raised for those kids.  It is so wonderful to see so many people support them.  

Happy Birthday Googie.

And, a BIG thank you to Nanna and Bubba.  They came to Conroe to take care of our babes.  What a wonderful blessing to know they are being well taken care of, while we get to enjoy the Snowman Classic.  A great weekend!

Cousin Carson

When Bunny took Savannah back, she picked up another cousin!  Walker and Everly are always so excited to play with Carson!

Hanging with their cousin!

Walker watching Carson do a puzzle.

How cute are these two???

So, Carson has the sweetest heart.  Bunny had recently told her that Walker really liked the movie, Bambi.  Well, when she arrived, she had a very special present for him.  She brought him her stuffed Bambi and Thumper.  When she gave them to him, she said, "They are really from Uncle Googie, since he's the one who gave them to me."  Goodness, she melts my heart.  What a thoughtful and sweet girl she is.  I asked her if she wanted to keep them since her Daddy had given them to her.  Her response, "No, they are for Walker now."

I'd say he likes them!

Ryder is here this week.... looking forward to more fun with cousins!!!!!

Snowman Classic 2012

What an amazing weekend.  We worked really hard to make the Snowman Classic great, but it exceeded all expectations.  From start to finish, it was wonderful.  The outpouring of support for Googie and his family was incredible.  Lots of great stories about Googie.  And, I promise you, I will never get tired of hearing what a great guy he was, because it's just so true!  

So, I have a lot of pictures, so I'll just get to it.  

Carson, Ryder and Savannah, the reason for the tournament!

Beth Ann is a dear friend who I have know my whole life.  And, let me tell you, she is hysterical.  And, she's the best raffle ticket seller I've ever seen!!!!

There is no doubt that Bessie Poo worked her tail off all day.  I don't know what we would have done without her!

I love this one of me and Mom!

Sweet Clark.

I have to admit, the day was much more emotional than I thought it would be.  It was so overwhelming to see the guys together supporting Googie's memory and his family.

Right after they took this picture, they went to their carts and went out on the course.  It was so special.  I lost it.  Very powerful!

So, Mom and I went inside to take it all in!

And, I'm thankful that I got this shot!

Maren and Tinsley ruled the registration table! I'm so glad they were there!

But, then we went outside!  Uh oh.... Debra driving the golf cart!

We had a great time on the course.  It was fun to check in on our men!

And, see them in action.... here's my dad, mid-swing!

And, one of my favorite's.... a shot of the team!

Blaine had the vision of this tournament.... Heather and I managed to help make it a reality.  Blaine knew the Snowman Classic would be a success.  And, that's exactly what it was.  

Googie would be so proud.

Easter Fun

I'm not going to lie.  I wasn't exactly looking forward to Easter.  For the last few years, Googie and his family have come and we've had a really amazing time. So, no doubt, this year was going to have some emptiness.

This picture was taken last year.

It is now framed in Walker's room.  Uncle Googie loved his nephew and niece!  It's so special to have amazing memories.  Yes, we missed him terribly this year.  But, as M'Lynn (from Steel Magnolias) says, "Life goes on."

So, we went to Bentwater and had a great time!  Walker and Everly had a ball.  And, Frosty and Linda came for the weekend.  It was so great to see them and spend time with them.  It was a very special weekend!

Guess what I have?  Lots and lots of pictures.  It was Easter and my kids are just too precious, so I have to post a lot!!!!

He really loves his sister!

Can you say framer!  Wow, this needs to be displayed!

My sweet, happy girl.

They dyed beautiful Easter eggs!

Daddy's girl!  Aren't they the sweetest!

I love this one!  Two of the most fun people I know!

The girls!!

Walker got to ride in the golf cart!

Walker and Everly with their fourth set of grandparents!  They had fun with Frosty and Linda.

So handsome!

So, so cute.  

We ended up with a good family photo!!!!  We are so blessed.

My Googie

I am completely overwhelmed.  It truly feels like I am in the middle of nightmare and can't wake up.  I never, ever thought of a life without my big brother.  Why would I?  He has been there for me, taken care of me and made me laugh for almost 35 years.  That shouldn't change, but it did.

I hate cancer.  I really, really hate it.  I have no idea why it took hold of my brother and wouldn't let go.

I hate that there wasn't a pill or a shot that would make it go away.

I hate that Savannah, Carson and Ryder lost their Daddy.

I hate that my mother, Ray and my dad had to bury a child.

I hate that Trisha is left without her soulmate.

I hate that Walker and Everly will not know their Uncle Googie.

I hate that I won't get to laugh with Googie again.

But, with all that being said, I am thankful that he is with our Heavenly Father. He is in a new body, no longer suffering.  What a blessing that is.

I'm sure some people decide to be angry when something like this happens.  Even when Googie got his diagnosis, I wasn't angry.  I know God has a plan.  I may not understand that plan, but I know it's there.  And, I know that many people are being touched by his life and by his death.

I have learned many things over the last few months....

Don't take things for granted.

Enjoy every kiss, hug, snuggle and smile from your babies.

If you say something you don't mean, apologize immediately.

Tell your parents, your spouse, your kids and your friends that you love them.

I heard a lot of stories about Googie over the last two days.  Hundreds of people came to visitation and the memorial.... they all had common thoughts:

He was a great guy.

He was always smiling.

He was never mean or ugly to anyone.

One of my favorite themes was from my friends that I grew up with...  they all remembered him as a brother that was always sweet and never one to ignore us.  This wasn't a surprise to me.  I always remember him being sweet to me and including me in things.  But, hearing from my childhood friends confirmed to me that he really was the BEST!

I am so thankful for all our amazing memories.  Even though my babies won't remember their Uncle Googie, I will remember how wonderful he was with them.  Even when he felt terrible, he made an effort with them and I will never forget it.

I loved Googie my first 34+ years and I will love and miss him everyday of my life.

The SnowMan Mile

It almost seems funny for me to blog about physical activity... I was never one to enjoy working out.  But, over the last several months I have found joy at the gym.  Seriously, I enjoy it.  And, since I found out Googie was sick, I've had more intensity than ever.  It's a place for me to get my anger out.  It turns out I'm not the only one.

A friend of mine, who wishes to remain anonymous, sent me this email today.  It is just too powerful to NOT pass on...

We have our own ways of dealing with what Chris is going through. I met a runner years ago that taught me something really valuable. I, in turn, have passed it on to others. He said his inspiration came from Chuck Yeager, the famous test pilot who would fly planes past their capability. Yeager said he wanted to see where the demons lived. This runner would run until the demons came. What he meant by demons is the pain. He would go chase demons and then chase them more and more.  It doesn't really matter what sport or exercise one does, the demons will come. The fear of pain or demons is what keeps us on the couch, out of the gym, off the road or bike, etc...

I've used this guy's attitude to help me train for a marathon. The SnowMan Mile is my own personal way that helps me cope. 

Aside from my training schedule for my marathon, I tack on one extra mile to every run... the SnowMan mile... as hard and fast as I can. Sometimes I don't finish it running, but I'll finish it every time. I usually have to stop and vomit about half way through it. Knowing the suffering that Chris is going through, I feel like a big wuss if I don't leave every ounce of effort out there, everyday. When I finish my assigned run and then do my SnowMan mile, I know in my heart that I met that demon and kicked its ass.

The demon lost again today. And that demon will lose everyday until Chris is healed.

I am totally inspired by this... I may not be a runner, but I can still use the SnowMan mile every single day.  I'm going to the gym right now.  Demons beware!

All Consuming

My brother has cancer.  It is truly an all consuming part of life now.  I think about Googie and pray for him and his family ALL the time.  Clark and I talk about other things, but it always comes back to Googie.  My mom and I talk many times a day.  Each time we talk about the latest with Googie.

Yesterday morning I started a new Bible study.  I have amazing, amazing friends that listen to me, hear my worries and pray for me and my family.  One of those dear friends said something to me yesterday... she said, "when you mentioned that your brother's situation is all consuming, you seemed apologetic. It should be all consuming and no one is faulting you for that."

I needed to hear that.  I'm not kidding when I tell you, I think I talk about all of this WAY too much.  I cry about it way too much.  I take up too much time during prayer request time at Bible study and Sunday school.  But, as Erin said... it should be that way.

Clark and I are so blessed to be a part of such an amazing church.  Crossroads continues to lift all of us up in prayer.  My sweet friends continue to listen to me and cry with me.  When I told them about some of the stupid thoughts that go through my head, my sweet friend Chelsea assured me that was satan attacking me.  I also needed to hear that.  I truly can't imagine going through this without them.

So, with all that being said... let me tell you about the positives coming out of this.  Clark and I have made it a priority to pray with our kids.  I can't tell you how uplifting it is to see Walker put his little hands together and listen to every word and then joyfully exclaim, "AMEN" when we are done.

This blog has almost exclusively been about my sweet Walker and my sweet Everly.  I'm not gonna lie... it's bit hard to talk about the funny stories or silly things my kids did that day.  Like I said in my last post... my perspective has changed.  But, at the same time... my kids ARE still doing silly things and they bring me joy every single day.  So, I promise to blog about it.  But, I also promise to blog about what I'm really feeling.  And I believe God will grant us some awesome Googie stories to report, too!

Perspective

Life has a new perspective.  It has since last Thursday.  Everything has changed.  Finding out that my brother has cancer has rocked my world.  And, I'm only the sister.  I can't even fathom how Googie feels.  How Trisha feels.  How his kids feel.  How my mother, Ray and my dad feel.

I can tell you this... things that seemed important are minuscule now.

Last week we were at the beach... all down in the dumps because our vacation wasn't all that we had hoped.  I would go on 100 crappy vacations if my brother felt better.

College football rules in this house come September.  I think I maybe watched one quarter all weekend.  TCU lost and I didn't care.  I would live through 50 consecutive losing seasons if my brother was well.

The wildfires are very scary right now.  But, I would gladly lose my house if my brother was healed.

I didn't know it was possible for your entire outlook on life to change in the blink of an eye... it has.  My perspective will never be the same.

Seaside... The End

What an end it was.  After an okay Tuesday I felt like we were on the road to a fantastic second half of the trip. As Lee Corso would say... "Not so fast!".

Wednesday morning Everly woke up throwing up.  Yes, seriously.  I truly couldn't believe it.  We really considered leaving that day, but were afraid Everly would throw up the whole  way home, so we made the decision to leave Thursday morning.

We managed to enjoy our last afternoon in Seaside... these sweet babes didn't look sick!

So sweet together!

Playing in the Seaside Kids store.

Walker paid!

So, Thursday morning we headed home.  Looking back, there's no question that God knew what he was doing.  Almost exactly 12 hours after we left Florida, we were home in Conroe when my phone rang.  It was mother with the news that my brother has a tumor.  It was shocking and scary, but the fact that I was back in Texas meant that I could be with my family.  Less than 12 hours after that, I was driving my mother to Arlington so we could be with my brother.

Friday wasn't a good day.  Lots of waiting.  And, it turned out we were waiting for bad news. Googie's  tumor is malignant and aggressive.  Did I mention shocking?  Googie and Trisha are amazing.  He is so strong and ready to fight.  I believe in the power of prayer and they literally have an army praying for them.

So many people have reached out to him, my parents and me.  I can't tell you how comforting it is to know people are thinking about Googie and praying for him.  I really hate the circumstances, but it is amazing the amount of love we are all feeling.  Right now we are looking at silver linings and the positives.... and surprisingly, there are a lot of them.

I am so proud of Googie and Trisha.  They are so strong.  It is going to be a long, hard road, but they are ready.  Pardon my crass words, but he is going to kick cancer's ass!!